


A Pleasant Looking Frog

by hitchhikersguidetothealexy



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Crack, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, transcript fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:47:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26843101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hitchhikersguidetothealexy/pseuds/hitchhikersguidetothealexy
Summary: okay do you remember in that q&a one time someone asked jonny what jon would do in his free time and he was like "he probably has some weird collection." well my mind immediately thought FROGS FROGS FROGS.and THEN me and my friend went to a build-a-bear workshop together so that she could make a stuffed frog (i got an eevee in case you were wondering) and i was like oh,,,, now it's all coming together.i conceived the entire thing in the shower last night and then wrote it all down in like ten minutes.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood & Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Martin Blackwood & Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist & Tim Stoker, Martin Blackwood & Tim Stoker
Comments: 22
Kudos: 86





	A Pleasant Looking Frog

[CLICK]

MARTIN  
Are you recording this?

TIM  
Yes! Because it’s a momentous occasion.

MARTIN  
Is it?

TIM  
Of course it is! This is your first time going to a Build-A-Bear Workshop. That’s a big deal.

MARTIN  
It just feels like...I mean, it’s a place meant for kids.

TIM  
Yes, but you didn’t get to go as a kid. 

MARTIN  
I didn’t really get to do anything as a kid.

TIM  
Never went to Disneyworld?

MARTIN  
Nope.

TIM  
Never went to Chuck-E-Cheese?

MARTIN  
What’s that? 

TIM  
God your childhood was so sad.

MARTIN  
Tim!

TIM  
Am I wrong?

MARTIN  
...no.

TIM  
See?

MARTIN  
I don’t even think I had any stuffed animals as a kid. I just stuffed a sock with tissues and painted a face on it. I named it Socky. I wasn’t very creative. 

TIM  
After this we need to get so classic mall food. You ever had a Cinnabon?

MARTIN  
No. Is it good?

TIM  
Awful. You have to try it. WAIT. Hold on.

MARTIN  
What? What’s wrong?

TIM  
Sh sh sh! Don’t look.

MARTIN  
What’s going on?

TIM  
Do you see over there? In line at the Build-A-Bear?

MARTIN  
What?

TIM  
It’s Jon.

MARTIN  
WHAT? 

TIM  
Sh! Be quiet. Don’t look now--

MARTIN  
JON’S HERE?

TIM  
I said be quiet! And I said don’t look-- Oh god he’s coming over. 

JON  
Did you two follow me?

TIM  
What?

MARTIN  
Why would we do that?

JON  
It just seems a little convenient that two grown men who happen to be my coworkers happen to walk into an establishment for children when I’m there.

MARTIN  
You’re also a grown man at an establishment for children.

JON  
Yes. Well--

TIM  
Whatcha got there? Is that a little frog?

JON  
Yes. It’s...It’s for my niece. 

TIM  
Wait, you don’t have a niece.

JON  
You don’t know that. 

TIM  
Yes I do. I know that because one time I mentioned something about my brother and you went through great pains to tell us how difficult it was to grow up as an only child.

JON  
Well. It was difficult.

MARTIN  
Besides, usually when you take a child to Build-A-Bear, you let them, you know, build the bear. You don’t do it for them. That’s, like, kind of the whole point?

JON  
Okay. Fine. It’s for me. But it’s not what it looks like. 

TIM  
Really? Because it looks like you’re making yourself a stuffed frog.

JON  
I...um...so, I collect frogs.

MARTIN  
You collect frogs?

JON  
Well, not live frogs. But...figurines. Plushies. That kind of thing.

MARTIN  
That’s weird.

TIM  
Checks out though. 

MARTIN  
Why frogs?

JON  
Dunno. I just like them. 

TIM  
Okay. 

MARTIN  
I like frogs too.

JON  
Well I saw this one online and I thought it looked...friendly.

TIM  
Cute. You were going to say cute, weren’t you?

JON  
I was not.

TIM  
You think the frog is cute. 

JON  
It is...a very pleasant looking frog. So I bought it not realizing that it was only a frog skin.

TIM  
Ah, you didn’t realize you’d actually have to build the bear. 

JON  
Yes. So I came here. Just don’t...don’t tell anyone at the Archives that you saw me here, alright?

TIM  
Oh, absolutely. Mum’s the word. I won’t tell a soul.

JON  
Thank you.

TIM  
If!

JON  
If? 

MARTIN  
If?

TIM  
If...you let us make it with you.

JON  
Absolutely not.

TIM  
Please? Do it for Martin.

MARTIN  
For me?

TIM  
Yeah! He’s never been to Build-A Bear before! C’mon Martin, make a pouty face.

MARTIN  
A what? 

TIM  
A pouty face. Like this. 

JON  
Don’t do that. 

MARTIN  
Like this?

TIM  
See? Can you say no to that face?

JON  
Martin stop it. 

[EXTENDED PAUSE FOR POUTING]

JON  
OKAY FINE. Do you want to make one? It would certainly make me feel better.

TIM  
No, I'm much more interested in helping you with yours.

JON  
Are you sure? There’s lots of interesting...characters here. You could make a cat or a dragon or...my god, what is that creature?

TIM  
That? You don’t know what that is?

JON  
You do? It’s like a fat yellow squirrel.

MARTIN  
It’s a pikachu.

JON  
A what?

TIM  
You don’t know what a pikachu is?

JON  
No. Is it some kind of animal? 

MARTIN  
It’s a Pokemon.

JON  
That doesn’t help me.

MARTIN  
Okay so there’s this Japanese animated television show called Pokemon--

TIM  
It's like a magic rat that shoots lightning.

MARTIN  
And it goes “pika pika!”

JON  
How do you know all this?

TIM  
Because Martin and I, like normal people, grew up watching Pokemon.

MARTIN  
Actually I never watched it. My mum never had cable television so--

TIM  
Right I forgot your life was so sad.

MARTIN  
I always felt a little sad I could never watch Pokemon. I did have the playing cards, though. Well, not a whole set. They were really expensive. But I found three on the playground once in grade school--

JON  
Can we just get this over with please?

BUILD-A-BEAR WORKER  
Are you ready to stuff your new friend?

JON  
It’s not my friend. But yes please.

BUILD-A-BEAR WORKER  
Do you want a sound?

JON  
What do you mean?

BUILD-A-BEAR WORKER  
Like, heartbeat?

JON  
You’re asking me if I want this inanimate object to have the sound of a beating heart?

BUILD-A-BEAR WORKER  
Yes.

JON  
No. No I do not want that. 

BUILD-A-BEAR WORKER  
Okay, well--

JON  
I mean, just imagine. I imagine I were to keep this creature in my bed, which, obviously I’m not going to, but a child might. So say I’m a child, and I roll over in bed and I hear the heart of my inanimate frog stuffed animal beating? 

BUILD-A-BEAR WORKER  
Some kids find it comforting.

JON  
Well I certainly wouldn’t find it comforting. I would think, dear god, some eldritch horror has cursed my stuffed animal and brought it to life!

MARTIN  
I don’t think most kids think that way.

JON  
Well I thought that way as a kid.

TIM  
I think that was just you. 

BUILD-A-BEAR WORKER  
Do you want to do the Heart Ritual?

JON  
No.

TIM  
C’mon, boss! You have to do the Heart Ritual! 

JON  
Alright, fine. What does the “Heart Ritual” entail?

BUILD-A-BEAR WORKER  
First you have to warm the heart up.

JON  
What’s the point of that? It’ll just get cold again.

BUILD-A-BEAR WORKER  
Shake up the heart to wake it up.

JON  
Wake up the heart? It’s not like that’ll do any good. It’s not connected to a vascular system. 

BUILD-A-BEAR WORKER  
Rub it on your nose so it nose you.

JON  
I don’t want it to know me. I don’t want it to know anything about me. I don’t trust it. I just met it. 

BUILD-A-BEAR WORKER  
Rub it on your back so you know it always has your back.

JON  
It’s a stuffed animal. What’s it going to do when I’m in a crisis? Stare passively with lifeless eyes?

BUILD-A-BEAR WORKER  
Rub it on your knees so it always needs you.

JON  
But what if I die? Then this frog will be all alone. 

BUILD-A-BEAR WORKER  
Put it on your toes so it’s totally awesome.

JON  
Was that a pun?

TIM  
These are all puns.

BUILD-A-BEAR WORKER  
And give the heart a kiss.

JON  
No. That’s where I draw the line.

TIM  
(chanting) Kiss it, Kiss it.

JON  
No! 

TIM AND MARTIN  
Kiss it! Kiss it! 

JON  
Stop. You’re making a scene.

TIM AND MARTIN AND SOME CHILDREN WHO HAVE JOINED IN  
KISS IT! KISS IT!

JON  
Fine! 

[KISS]

JON  
Happy?

TIM  
So happy. 

BUILD-A-BEAR WORKER  
Now close your eyes.

JON  
Okay.

BUILD-A-BEAR WORKER  
Now wiggle your arms and spin in a circle. 

JON  
What? Why?

BUILD-A-BEAR WORKER  
It’s...it’s just part of the ritual.

TIM  
You’re not wiggling.

JON  
I am!

MARTIN  
You’re not, actually.

JON  
Aren’t your eyes supposed to be closed? 

TIM  
You have to wiggle harder.

JON  
This is just how I wiggle.

TIM  
Your wiggles are weak, boss. 

JON  
You have no right to judge my wiggles!

BUILD-A-BEAR WORKER  
Sir, your outbursts are scaring the children.

JON  
Right. Sorry. Are we almost done?

BUILD-A-BEAR WORKER  
I just have to sew it up.

JON  
Can you sew faster please?

BUILD-A-BEAR WORKER  
All done! 

JON  
Thank you.

TIM  
Now we get to put clothes on it.

JON  
I’m fine, thanks.

TIM  
You can’t let it just be naked.

JON  
Of course I can. Real frogs are naked.

TIM  
Oh, but this is no real frog! This is your special frog! You did the Heart Ritual. That means you endowed it with consciousness.

JON  
No I didn’t. And if I did, it’s only because you blackmailed me--

MARTIN  
Look at this! It's a tiny little sports jersey!

JON  
My god, that price is outrageous. That tiny shirt costs more than the shirt that I’m wearing right now. 

TIM  
That’s because it’s not a normal shirt. It’s a shirt for your best frog friend.

JON  
Let me be very clear: I am not friends with this frog. This frog is simply a part of a larger collection of frogs in my possession.

MARTIN  
Look at these tiny shoes! I mean, they have little plastic souls and everything!

TIM  
So what’s your frog’s personality? 

JON  
Doesn’t have one. It’s just a stuffed frog.

TIM  
Does it want a blazer that says, “I mean business?” Or does it want a dress that’s fun and flirty?

JON  
Who would the frog even “flirt” with?

TIM  
Other frogs, of course. 

MARTIN  
Look! It’s a tiny skateboard for tiny animals!

JON  
The frog does not need clothes. It’s a frog. Can we leave now? 

TIM  
Yes, fine, we can leave.

[FOOTSTEPS]

TIM  
Why are you doing that?

JON  
What? 

TIM  
You’re looking at the frog like you’re scared of it. 

JON  
No I’m not.

MARTIN  
You are a bit, actually. 

TIM  
Is it because it’s naked?

JON  
All frogs are naked. 

TIM  
Oh my god. It was the ritual. Are you afraid that was an actual ritual?

JON  
No. 

[PAUSE]

JON  
Maybe.

TIM  
If Build-A-Bear Workshop was doing actual arcane rituals, don’t you think we’d know by now? Don't you think we'd be dealing with a slew of horror stories about children who were murdered by their fuzzy friends?

JON  
Maybe we just haven’t figured it out yet. I read this one statement where a doll--

TIM  
Was it a clown doll?

JON  
Yes.

TIM  
Well there’s your problem. Never trust a clown doll.

MARTIN  
Are you coming with us, Jon? We’re going to get cinnamon rolls.

TIM  
Cinnabon. Completely different.

JON  
Um...alright, sure. 

TIM  
I’m on a quest to take Martin everywhere he never got to go as a child. He’s never even heard of Chuck-E-Cheese.

JON  
Actually neither have I.

TIM  
Okay so basically there’s this giant rat named Charles Entertainment Cheese--

JON  
His middle name is Entertainment? 

TIM  
And he hosts parties for kids.

JON  
So parents pay money to have their birthday celebrated by a giant rat?

TIM  
Yeah, I know, America is weird. 

JON  
So this is a tradition amongst Americans? To have their birthdays celebrated by a giant rat? 

TIM  
Yeah, it’s-- wait, hold on. I forgot I was still holding this.

[CLICK]

[PAUSE]

[CLICK]

MARTIN  
Statement of Bill Weathersby regarding...(sigh) a purportedly cursed clown doll. Statement recorded by Martin Blackwood, Archival Assistant at the Magnus Institute. Statement b-

[DOOR SOUND]

MARTIN  
Oh. Hi Jon. What’s going on?

JON  
Oh. Um. Nothing. I just. I have something for you.

MARTIN  
What?

JON  
I remembered you saying that you felt bad that you never got to watch that Japanese animated cartoon--

MARTIN  
You can just call it anime, Jon. 

JON  
Well, I thought maybe-- so, I went back to the store. Which was very humiliating for me, I might add. And I got you-- well, here.

[TISSUE PAPER RUSTLING]

MARTIN  
You...got me a pikachu?

JON  
Yes. And I put a little sports jersey on it. And...and gave it a skateboard.

[PAUSE]

JON  
Are you crying?

[PAUSE]

JON  
Stop that. 

[PAUSE]

JON  
Um.

[PAUSE]

JON  
Get back to work.

[CLICK]

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed! if you like my writing it's all over the place on the internet.
> 
> if this one gets enough love i'll write a sequel where, idk, maybe s3 elias thinks there's too much tension in the office and has a mandatory work outing to jumpology
> 
> tumblr: seizethe-memes-ofproduction  
> tiktok/twitter: @alexyquest  
> website: alexjkingsley.worpress.com


End file.
